Forgiveness over the holidays
I could not think of a more triggering time of year for many of you out there than exactly right now.
While many of us have our wishes for happy holidays and traveled to stay with family, some of us are sitting on the sofa right now thinking, “Why on earth did a plan such a long visit?”.
Family time can be restful and healing.
Family time can be triggering and send our nervous system into overdrive. I know a thing or two about it.
In my spiritual practice forgiveness is at the heart of all teachings. It is always about forgiving oneself and others. And from a Christian perspective, that is what Christmas is all about. Remembering the message of love and forgiveness.
So, basically, some of you are in forgiveness bootcamp. Right. In. This. Moment.
It is just not as joyful as TV commercials advertised.
Whether it is your sister who gets on your nerves, your father’s emotional distance, or your mother who cannot stop bickering about your behaviour. If any of this speaks to you right now, my dear, than you are in forgiveness bootcamp. They just forget to send you a the sign up form and badge in advance ;).
But jokes aside. If this is a difficult time for you, I want to remind you of a couple things.
Firstly, you are not alone. This whole commercial myth of this being the most merry of times, is thankfully true for some, but not for many. It is totally normal if this time of year sucks for you and please do not feel like you’re the only one out there you feels this way.
Secondly, don’t let others get the best of you. Being around family that triggers you can seemingly bring out the worst in you and you end up loathing yourself in the process. Yes, reflect your behaviour and do not let being triggered be an excuse for behaving like a spoilt brat (it is what it is). But also remember that you usually are not this way and right now, you might be encapsuled in an environment that simply does not bring out the best in you.
Thirdly, if you can, do not take it too seriously. Laugh about the old triggers coming up. Laugh about yourself. Embrace your mood shifts and try to tune in.
What can help, to be tried out at your own discretion:
Go for solo walks. Get out of the house and be alone in between all the time together.
Call a friend who makes you feel yourself again. Remember that you are actually fun to be around.
Journal. If being around your family is a full on trigger, write about the emotions that are coming up for you. It will help your mind get everything that is jumbled up out of your mind and into order. It will relieve you mentally.
Work out. The good old dopamine hit. Yes, it works. I also find yoga to be helpful because the breath work part of it really calms the nervous system.
Remember your boundaries. Every family is different when it comes to how they react to you naming your boundaries and abiding by them. Take it as a reminder to not sacrifice them for superficial peace.
Let water be your best friend. I am serious, be sure to stay hydrated! Easily forgotten when you are stressed.
Avoid alcohol. Often a custom during the holidays but will likely make you more irritable than you already are the next day.
Brief cold shower can really help shake the stress off and clear your mind again. Google it.
And warm baths can help calm yourself down for a good nights sleep.
Be alone in nature if you can! It helps too.
And, if you can, accept your family for who they are. They are likely not changing anytime soon and being able to accept people for who they are is a virtue (that being said, this is not about condoning abusive behaviour, of course there are limits).
That being said, do not beat yourself up about it being hard. When family time is difficult, it can really drag down your mental state and make you think worse about your life than it is. Remember that it is temporary and that this, at the end, if also your chance to spend quality time with your family while you have them.
Stay strong, stay forgiving.